“It will be a very difficult conversation because they are not willing to see my side of things and just want to push through their ideas. To be honest, I find them a bit arrogant and dominant. And when I speak to them about it, they never seem to understand my point and claim they do listen to me and don’t see what the problem is.”
In many of the conversation we have with leaders, this scenario comes up. A lot is being said about how ‘the other’ shows up and less about themselves.
What we often forget is that our beliefs impact how we show up: “they are not willing, they are dominant and arrogant”. These beliefs go hand in hand with how we feel: “frustrated because I cannot get my point across, helpless because I am not listened to”. Both our beliefs and our emotions play a role in how we show up in the conversation and therefore behave in a certain way. This then has a direct impact on the other and the relationship.
If we want to change the dynamic and work better together, it is helpful to understand our role in it so we can choose to show up differently. What is driving us when we meet this person? From what place do we start the conversation? Are we driven by Power or by Love? You might think that this is similar for all of us, that it is clearly Power or clearly Love. However, that is not the case, it is very personal and therefore never similar.
We might belief that Power is a zero-sum game, that you either have power or you don’t. If we experience the other person as powerful, and we belief in the zero-sum game, it automatically makes us less powerful: ‘I cannot get my ideas through’. However, if we experience the other person as powerless, it automatically makes us more powerful: ‘I will not let their idea take over mine’. In both cases, we show up ready to fight for our ideas.
On the other hand, we might belief that conflict is never the solution and that we should keep the peace at all costs: ‘let’s accept their idea for now, perhaps I can change it later’. Or we belief that asking for what we need is not a good strategy as others might see us as being difficult: ‘they will not like me challenging their idea’. In these cases, we might show up as accepting the ideas of the other without really buying into them.
Understanding from what place we show up is helpful in deciding our strategy to create a more efficient and healthy working relationship. You could choose to show up from a place of connection and understand their ideas better. Or you could choose to show up in a more powerful way and share your ideas in addition to theirs. When we consciously connect to either Power or Love, it will lead to a different relational dynamic and therefore outcome.
So next time you need to have a conversation with a 'difficult other' ask yourself how you show up and if that is serving the relationship and the outcome of the conversation. If not, choose to engage more with Power or Love and experience how it makes a difference.
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